


Shadow of my End, and Shape of Rest

by Kapla_Quail



Category: Starfighter (Comic)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Disabled Character, Crying, Dreams vs. Reality, Dubious Consent, Established Relationship, Feels, Hiding Medical Issues, M/M, Making Out, Old Acquaintances, Reunions, Slice of Life (Sleipnir), doubtful outcome, love put to a test, painful realisations, semper dolens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-15 22:51:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19305445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kapla_Quail/pseuds/Kapla_Quail
Summary: Keeler sat in the darkness of the empty nav’s gym for about an hour, huddled against the same wall Marek had pressed him to, unhinged, paralyzed, his hands still trembling. This wasn’t how he had expected this reunion to go at all.





	Shadow of my End, and Shape of Rest

**Author's Note:**

> So this is originally a part of another epic story of mine, a story I abstained from continuing at some point because I got frightened of my own ideas! Maybe I'll change my mind some day. But until then, take this as a one-shot.
> 
> As always:  
> Marek = Porthos  
> Jasmin = the love of Keeler's teenage years

_**1** _

Keeler didn’t even need to make inquiries to find Marek. He had always been a sportsman, Keeler knew that at some time he would go training in the much neglected navigators gym, and when was a navigator ever free to do so other than in the evening?

There was no need to set Puck to find out where to wait and when. An invisible magnet drew Keeler to the metal door on one of the lower decks where he stood now in the lurid neon light, leaning against the cold wall, trying to think and trying to calm down and yet failing in both.

Then, he couldn’t say after how many minutes, the door swung open and Marek, in a sweaty undershirt and with a towel wound around his neck, stepped out in the corridor finally. If he was surprised to see the small, long haired creature linger in the corner, he didn’t show it.

„Look who it is, clever as always, knowing where to track me down alone after one day on this ship“, Marek smirked as he approached Keeler. The latter smiled apologetically up to his friend and tucked a strand of hair back behind his ear, blushing.

„The Lead Navigator. Mother in heaven, Erik, authority suits you.”

Keeler blushed a little more at that and smiled. For an instant, the two men stood in front of each other awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

It was impossible to tell who made the first move or if the two were just drawn to each other. But suddenly, Keeler was on tiptoes, his body pressed flush against Marek‘s, his arms tight around his neck and his mouth caught in a passionate kiss compensating for all those kisses that never had been made.

Marek was almost as tall as Encke, but way more demanding, even pushy, simply taking what he wanted, shoving Keeler against the wall and not even leaving him air to breathe. Keeler was overwhelmed by the feelings of both panic and thrill, trying not to come undone but shocked how his body responded to the unfamiliar, rough approach.

Marek opened the gym door with one hand and shoved Keeler inside the dark room with the other, not interrupting their kiss, even intensifying it, pressing the small blond against the next best wall forcefully, then lifting him by the thighs to fold his legs around his waist, making Keeler whimper in unrestrained desire.

„Couldn’t wait to see you again... Couldn’t believe it when I was told you wanted me to transfer to the 7th fleet...And when I saw you yesterday... in the briefing, in the mess...Mother, I wanted you so much“, Marek moaned against Keeler’s neck.

The latter, almost fainting for excitement, steadied himself with his hands in Marek’s fluffy, sweaty hair, trying to get his mouth free for a second. „Wait, I didn’t...“ He gasped. „I can’t transfer people... Can only make requests, but not for... specific persons...“

Their lips and tongues and bodies united again, brutally and hungrily, and it was practically lovemaking except for the clothes.

„So what did you request me for, huh?“, Marek whispered. „You know I suck as a navigator.“

„I didn‘t...that’s not true, you mastered the exams...“

„Barely“, Marek groaned, pulling Keeler’s braid open, grasping his hair and grinding their hips together until Keeler’s sight went black. „Couldn’t even... finish my thesis because of your calling.“

Keeler startled and suddenly some of his braincells resumed to work again. Oh Mother - Marek was one of Cook's candidates! No way Keeler could get in the middle of this, he had to stop what was going on even if his body literally screamed for the opposite.

Keeler tried to get free and push Marek backwards a bit, but was much to weak to succeed.

„Marek, we...stop, please, we can’t do this. It’s not right“, he panted.

Marek snorted and evidently didn’t give in, grabbing Keeler’s butt stronger. „As evasive as always, aren’t you? But this time I won’t let you stand me up.“ And he bit Keeler’s collarbone heavily, trapping him against the wall with all his force.

„Wait“, Keeler gasped, „I didn’t... You were the one that secluded himself!“

Marek didn’t react to that but went on kissing Keeler, eventually shoving his hands into Keeler’s trousers determinedly.

As much as Keeler longed for this ultimate touch, he couldn‘t allow himself under any circumstances to surrender to Marek, let him see his body, his swollen legs, let him find out that he physically wasn’t capable of the sex the other aimed for. There was only Encke he trusted so much as to degrade himself to those disclosures, and this realization came as sudden as it was painful.

„Marek!“, Keeler screamed in alarm. „Stop! I said we can’t do this!“

And this time the desperation of his cry had some effect. Marek let go. Puzzled, he let Keeler slide to the ground, and because Keeler‘s legs almost gave way at that, he grabbed Marek’s hands with cold, trembling fingers.

„Marek, I’m with...someone else. I’m sorry, I...“ he stammered and blushed and felt like fainting now more than ever, his heart stumbling dangerously.

Suddenly Marek looked so furious Keeler’s fear of him definitely won over the attraction.

„Who?“, he shouted in barely suppressed rage, yanking his hands free. „Who is the guy that’s touching you? Tell me! I want to know it!“

Keeler wanted to turn away but Marek still trapped him with his arms, shaking him. „I...I can’t...“

„So you had someone in the Academy, too, didn’t you? Who was it, who fucked you there? Say it!“

Now Keeler definitely panicked. „Marek, you have no right... I won’t tell you that! Let me go, I’m your Lieutenant after all!“

Marek, quivering, stood there holding Keeler in place for a long moment, then exhaled audibly and slowly seemed to calm down. He even took his hands from Keeler’s arms who noticed just now that the recruit’s forceful grip had hurt him pretty much.

Now Marek looked almost like the nice guy again Keeler had known in the Academy. He smiled down at him somwhat wearily, apologetically, still visibly panting from agitation.

Keeler’s voice trembled. „Look, I know you’re with someone, too. I saw your petit prince at your side yesterday. Do you really feel like giving all that up?“

„Erik...I’m sorry“, Marek said and looked like he meant it, clumsily grabbing his towel that had fallen to the ground in the heat of the moment.

„Keeler. It’s Keeler now, navigator Porthos.“ And Keeler fixated the much taller recruit sternly although his body still shook in fear and arousal. „We can never let that happen again.“

Keeler devoutly hoped that Marek would wish him a good night and just leave him behind now, letting him stand there against the wall because he felt so weak he knew he couldn’t make a single step. But Marek didn’t budge.

Keeler was in no condition to give orders any more. „Do I really have to dismiss you?“, he pleaded.

Marek still hesitated. The LN looked so fucking vulnerable he had no idea if it was wise to abandon him like that. But eventually he obeyed the orders his superior had given him.

„I... wish you a good night, ...Keeler“, he said feebly, fumbling with his towel as if he wanted to add something. Then he decided otherwise and slowly opened the door to disappear into the dazzlingly lit corridor.

 

#### 2

  
  


Keeler sat in the darkness of the empty nav’s gym for about an hour, huddled against the same wall Marek had pressed him to, unhinged, paralyzed, his hands still trembling. This wasn’t how he had expected this reunion to go at all.

Marek had ruthlessly taken what he wanted without asking for Keeler’s consent. And yet, Keeler felt like he never had wanted anyone like he had wanted Marek. He could still feel his burning mouth on his skin, his aiming fingers, his strong body so close... Marek’s passion had been like a revelation. Keeler had wanted nothing more than to give up his last resistance and to succumb to whatever was done to him.

So while one part of him wondered why in the world he had stopped himself, the other part was sure that something had gone in a terribly wrong direction. Keeler felt stained. He felt despicable to have enjoyed being shoved aroung, being treated so roughly, being overpowered and abused. This was unworthy of a Lead Navigator of the Alliance, it was against all values Keeler cherished. And yet...

Yet, Keeler's arousal was still pulsing heavily in his veins. So had it been abuse? Keeler he knew he didn’t love Marek the way he loved Encke, never would. So why was it even possible he could enjoy such an encounter with him? Encke would hate him if he knew, he would despise him, and he would be right. Keeler was a cheat. He had acted unprofessionally, rashly, he deserved the self-disgust and the unsettling that befell him now.

Keeler's hands clenched on his knees. Why?, he prayed. Mother, why, after with Jasmin, Thomas and Encke he had enjoyed equal, tender, beautiful moments of intimacy, why send him this temptation now? Why shatter his world to pieces, why make Marek rip those secret desires out of him when for a flawed man, they lay in unattainable distance?

At last, Keeler decided he had to deal with this matter like a Lead Navigator: alone. Without disturbing or frightening Encke, not to speak of Puck whose worried messages accumulated on his datapad by now. He would go on as if nothing of all that had ever happened. That was the only thinkable way.

So he finally pulled himself up on the wall and staggered to the gym bathroom like a ghost, suddenly so thirsty he drank more than he should, but fuck the diuretics for once. He went to pee, rearranged his hair as far as possible and surveyed his despicable reflection in the mirror, wondering who this man was. Somehow, he felt so numb. Then he noticed he felt nothing any more.

 

#### 3  
  
  


„Keeler, are you sleeping?“

It was long after curfew when Encke entered their cabin, carefully, almost noiselessly and without turning the lights on. Keeler, however, was still awake, the pain on his arms, legs and collarbone a terrible reminder of his fauxpas.

As he wanted to hide all this from Encke, he feigned sleeping. But maybe he had made a sound or Encke’s senses were just heightened to eleven wherever his lover was concerned. The fighter shut the door and in the same moment was at Keeler’s side, kneeling next to the bunk.

„Babe, what's the matter? Where have you been? I had message from Puck, said you left the office and didn’t come back...“

Keeler let out a shuddering sigh. „I...I was downstairs in the nav’s gym“, he admitted feebly.

Encke startled. „In the – why? Wait – No! Please say it’s not true!“

Keeler gulped back his tears, he didn’t want all this talk to happen, he had promised himself to just go on and now everything went wrong. Again.

„Who was it? Who the fuck did this to you?“, Encke screamed so the metal walls resounded. „I’ll wipe the floor with him, I swear! I'll make sure this person never sees earth again! Are you allright, shall I take you to med bay?“ And Encke almost threw himself on Keeler, stroking his face maniacally.

„Encke, please don’t touch me or I’m starting to cry...“ But Encke didn’t stop, so Keeler started sobbing like a baby.

„Oh Keeler, oh my love, no... Who did this? Was it one of the new fighters? Tell me, I have to know!“

Keeler clung to Encke desperately, sobbing unto his strong, warm, sweaty breast. „It wasn’t a fighter, and it’s not what you think, no one did something to me, at least not THAT. And it wasn’t... I wanted it, okay?“, he stammered interruptedly. „I wanted it.“

„What did you want? I don’t understand. Why did you go there?“ Encke held him tight.

Keeler now cried so strongly he could barely speak any more.

„It was my own fault, I was so incredibly stupid! I wanted to meet... Porthos there, I wanted to...catch up...I don’t know what I wanted! I don’t know anything anymore. I love you, Encke, really, I do! I only stopped thinking... I didn’t know he would be like this...“

„Shh, Keeler, please calm down, you’ll stress your heart. So you’re not hurt? He didn’t hurt you?“

„No, no...Not too much, that is.“ Keeler gulped. „I failed as Lead Navigator and I failed as your man, Encke. I never meant to cheat on you like that...“

Encke stroked Keeler’s head like a child’s. „Darling, please. It’s not cheating when it finishes like this! Honestly, it sounds more like abuse to me...Even if you think you wanted it.“

„Encke...“

„You have to be more careful, Keeler. And I have to protect you better. Promise me to never go anywhere on this ship alone again, okay? From now on, you take Puck with you or Glarean or me to watch your pretty ass.“

„He won’t touch me again, Encke.“

„Are you sure of that? What if next time he brings some fighters with him, as reinforcements?“ Encke shivered. „The pure thought of it makes me sick! I never had to be scared for you like that...but we have a crazy troop up here now, apparently now I really have to defend my navigator. Keeler...I swear if I have to see you like that again I’ll kill someone.“

Encke tenderly caressed Keeler’s wet cheek. „Now hush, try to sleep baby, okay? I’ll be right back at your side.“

„Encke, I don’t deserve that. Kick me out, I don’t deserve you!“, Keeler whimpered.

„You deserve tons of good things, babe. And I’d never kick you out and if you kissed a goddamn Colteron. You know that, don’t you? And now stop crying, okay? Please stop and calm down. I’m back in a minute.“

And Encke was true to his word. Keeler heard him rumble about in the bathroom, getting ready for bed after a day that he knew had been nothing than brawls and clampdowns for him. Then he folded his long limbs in their common bed and wrapped Keeler into the blanket, into his scarred, strong arms, holding his sobbing partner to protect him against the cold night that prepared to seize hold of their bodies and souls.

Eventually, Keeler trailed off into sleep. But Encke was kept awake by the certainty that today's occurrence was the shadow of the end.

 


End file.
